My Expectations of Motherhood
When I first found out I was pregnant, I was filled with joy and excitement at the prospect of becoming a mother. I had always loved children and imagined myself with a big, happy family. In my mind, being a mom would be the most rewarding and fulfilling role of my life.
I pictured cozy nights at home with my baby, reading stories and singing lullabies together. I daydreamed about taking my child to the park on sunny weekends, pushing them on the swings as they giggled with delight. As my belly grew, I eagerly anticipated the moment I would meet my little one and hold them in my arms for the very first time.
Motherhood seemed like a natural progression in my life and relationship. My partner and I had been trying to conceive for several months, and falling pregnant on the first try felt like a blessing. All of the parenting books and blogs I consumed painted an idealized picture of what life with a newborn would be like. In those early days, I truly believed I was ready for anything that came my way.
The Harsh Realities of New Motherhood
How wrong I was. Nothing could have prepared me for the utter exhaustion, stress and lack of identity that came with being a new mom. From the moment my daughter was placed on my chest, covered in blood and fluid, my life was no longer my own.
The first few weeks were a sleep-deprived blur. Between feedings every 2-3 hours, countless diaper changes and trying to soothe endless crying, I barely had a moment to myself. My body ached from head to toe with the physical recovery from birth. Emotionally, the hormonal crash left me weepy and overwhelmed.
My partner tried his best to help, but going back to work left me as the primary caregiver. I quickly learned that all the household chores, cooking, cleaning and self-care fell by the wayside. Just keeping myself and the baby fed, clean and rested became a monumental task.
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The isolation and lack of adult conversation was also incredibly difficult. My social life disappeared overnight as I was tethered to my daughter’s demands and schedule. Even simple tasks like grocery shopping became stressful outings. I found myself constantly on the verge of tears from exhaustion.
Resentment and Loss of Identity
Somewhere along the way, I stopped feeling like myself. My identity as an independent woman was replaced by “Mom”. All conversations revolved around feedings, sleep and developmental milestones. I missed engaging in stimulating discussions and pursuing my own interests.
While I loved my daughter deeply, I also began to resent the sacrifices I had made. Late nights spent rocking a fussy baby led to irritability and frustration. Small messes or noises that used to not bother me felt overwhelming. I caught myself fantasizing about what my life used to be like without these responsibilities.
My relationship with my partner became strained as well. With two very different experiences of parenthood, we struggled to empathize with each other. I felt unheard and that the mental load of parenting wasn’t equally shared. Sex and physical intimacy disappeared as my body and libido were consumed by mothering duties.
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It seemed like every moment I had a free second, someone or something needed my attention. I found myself longing for solitude and the ability to just “be” without the constant demands of a child. These feelings of resentment and loss only added to my guilt over not enjoying motherhood more.
Finding Hope and a New Normal
Around the six month mark, things began gradually improving as my daughter grew more independent. She started sleeping for longer stretches and could entertain herself for short periods with toys or books. I began to feel more human again.
Looking back, I can see how the newborn phase amplified all the difficulties through lack of sleep and hormones. With time and experience, I learned what parenting strategies worked best for our family. Asking for help from loved ones gave me much needed breaks.
Simple self-care practices like daily walks outside or long baths helped me recharge. Counseling addressed my postpartum anxiety and feelings of failure. Communicating honestly with my partner improved our coparenting. Now at 18 months, my daughter’s giggles and cuddles are what motivate me through tough days.
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While I still have moments of missing my pre-baby freedom, I’ve come to accept and appreciate the joys motherhood has brought. My identity is no longer defined solely by parenting. This challenging season has taught me resilience and compassion for other mothers. With continued self-reflection and support, it does get easier.
Lisa Maria
Lisa Maria is a 38-year-old mother of two living in New York City. Lisa has always loved writing and became interested in blogging after the birth of her first child.
Frequently Asked Questions
Yes, it’s very common for new mothers to experience feelings of resentment, loss, guilt or frustration with motherhood – especially in the early newborn phase. Major life changes, sleep deprivation, hormones and stress all contribute to these emotions.
For most women, negative feelings tend to lessen over time as children become more independent and routines are established. However, some mothers may struggle with parenting long-term due to postpartum mental health issues. Getting support can help improve the situation.
Taking time for self-care, asking for help from others, practicing self-forgiveness, reconnecting with your identity and communicating needs to your partner can all help make motherhood more manageable. Counseling may also provide relief from anxiety or depression.
No, you are not alone in disliking aspects of motherhood. Loving your child and resenting parts of parenting can coexist. Struggling does not mean you are a bad mother – it shows you are human. Prioritizing your mental health is important for your family.
Most mothers report things gradually improving as children become more independent between 12-24 months. However, each family’s situation is different – the newborn phase is particularly tough. With time and experience, you will develop strategies to balance your needs with your child’s.
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